You are lurking in the back; hiding in the dark. But I know you are there. I can hear you breath. I can feel your breath linger on my skin. I can feel your eyes staring at me. The air feels stale, the atmosphere is suffocating. I know you are around. I can feel you. And every now and again, you make your presence known. You have no real agenda; you are just there; watching carefully everything I do. You take notice of what is new and what is different. You share your dismay of what you have witnessed. Share that you are displeased with what you’ve seen.
Sometimes you make it feel cold in here. Sometimes you make me wish for more light in here. Sometimes you make me beg for more air in here. Sometimes you make me scream inside. Most of the time, you make me just wish you wouldn't exist. And sometimes you make me wish you would just show yourself, step out of the dark and challenge me openly here in the light.
You watch, you observe, you judge while you are hiding in the darkness of this place. You come out to roam freely when I am not about, but always make sure to leave a sign, a scent, a hint to be picked up by me the moment I enter this arena. You want me to know. I can almost feel your hand on my shoulder. I can feel your heart beat. You want me to be aware that you are watching me, that you are around. You want me to feel that ache, that invisible pain, that undeniable emotion. You are pleased with my reaction, my suffering. I can feel your smile.
As I walk through this place, I can feel you standing behind me. I can hear how you take each breath. I can feel the warm exhaled air going through my hair. I can sense your eyes wandering all over me. I can feel how you pull my scent into your nose. I can envision how you close your eyes, taking it all in. I can feel your body heat reaching me. I can feel how you take my air to breath. Yet…
You don’t dare allow me to come closer. You don’t dare to allow me to know who you are. You choose to stay in the dark. You choose to hide and inflict emotions I don’t like. Emotions that are so very unpleasant, so painful, so destructive. Let me light a candle and have a look at you. Let me see your face. Let me hear your voice. Let me ask you and allow me to know the answer. Let me stop your torture. Let me just go on while you choose a new path. Allow me to free myself of you.
In a fetal position, I sleep when last thinking of you. When wondering about you. When questioning you and playing out possible answers. When feeling you around. You make me feel empty for this short moment I enter. You make me turn around while walking those corridors through this little world. You make me shiver and exhale with pain. You make me question my thoughts. You make me feel the pain as pleasure and torture.
What is it that you want? What is it you’re asking of me? What is it, that does not let you move passed me? Come out, show yourself … Let me look into your eyes…
