And so I am back....

It's dark and raining outside; somewhat reflecting this feeling I feel inside today. In the background, the music of "Across the Universe", a movie that underlines the memories I've made over the past fourteen days. The miles between now and then have been removed for a short moment and old, dust-collecting memories have been cleaned off and brought back to the forefront of my days. What once was old was new again. What was felt a long time ago was present once more. In a way, a certain pain is accompanying me ever since l've left Berlin. An aching that won't stop; A longing that is begging to be satisfied. I know this will all pass with each new day, but for now, I am stuck.

I've gone back to a world where I can connect with people in a very different way. Where I connect with life in a very uncomplicated manner. Where I can let my mind wander and put thoughts into reality without worrying about who I am supposed to be. I can dance on the green, fresh cut lawn in front of Queen Luise's castle, climb fences to walk the path that once was walked by Wilhelm Friedrich IV and don't care what anyone has to say. And while I dance, I lose myself in its history and for a short moment, find myself in another time. When I go back home, it is always nice to see that I have not been forgotten by my friends. My time was always spent with people around me and they always made me feel as if we have not missed a day together. I've traveled quite the distances to see most of my friends, but didn't make it to see them all. However, I've had the pleasure of meeting a certain person again. Someone I've met twenty-five years ago.

It was easy to fall for the situation. It was easy to let myself drift away. It was easy to just let go of all my surroundings once again. We've gone to my favorite place of solitude where I would find answers to all kinds of questions in the past... the docks that lead to Peacock Island.. We laid there and enjoyed all the sounds around us while looking up into the clear night sky. We listened to the noises of the peacocks on the island before us. He has not been here nor there before and so I made arrangements to meet him the next day to take the ferry to the actual island. This piece of real estate greets you with certain arrogance and mystery. It's an acceptable and comfortable arrogance though. One that grabs hold of you and lets you feel that arrogance and the darkness of what once took place here, throughout your entire body. Watching him enjoy the intake of the island's history; walking the halls of a small castle; being a witness to him falling back in time was a wonderful and yet indescribable feeling. I could not get enough of his amazement; he seemed like a little boy discovering new things and I was there to capture and process what he felt. The next day, I took him to a park at an old castle and I watched him closely yet again. I let myself get lost in his enjoyment. I let myself get lost in his emotions, his smile, his wonders. And then it hit me.

Realization knocked and I opened; only to hear what I don't want to know. The day will come where I would have to let go of all that I hold dear about my past. The day will come where I won't be able to just pack my bags and fly home. The day will come where age will have a hold of me and prevent me from being free. This realization is making clear that at some point, I will lose my friends, I will lose my past, I will lose ME. I will lose my time with the Kings of Prussia; I won't dance beside the shadow of a queen, or perhaps of a mistress to a prince. And then, sadly, I won't step foot on my Peacock Island ever again. I don't like this realization, and to be frank, it makes me sick. I spent the last day in Berlin on the royal lawn of Schloss Glienicke with a fantastic view of the lake. Beside me, my object of observation... my wonderful friend who has now come to his own realization I think; he has missed out on so much. And soon, I will be the one missing out. I can't bare the feeling of what may be many years away. I am frightened of something that is nowhere near. Just knowing that it will be my reality one day has me in a constant state of unease and a new kind of pain. This will pass, I know... and it may even sound ridiculous to you. To me, right now, it presents an unwanted kind of emotion; a disliked feeling and certain sadness. This will pass, but for now, I am stuck.

The Party !!!

Hey you guys... yesterday was the big day... my friend's birthday party. Unfortunately, my sister and are still somewhat unfamiliar with the video camera and therefor, a lot of what was said specifically to you and Lewis was not filmed, for whatever reason. I introduced you to people, drank a beer for Lewis, showed you the typical Berlin party food etc., etc., but it somehow got lost. But this was only the second day.. it can only get better with that darn camera..lol

So the video is of last night's (august 15) party. Grab a drink and party with me!! whoo hoo (and oh yes, the music is soooooo embarassing..lol.. all music from the 80's and here in Germany we had a phase where we just loooooved german sung songs and called that "Neue Deutsche Welle" (new german wave)... it was a fun time nevertheless... now go and watch and I see you later on the grounds of Schloss Sanssouci ..

KISSES to you all...

P.S. thanks for all the comments here, on facebook and via e-mails... glad you all like this little video blog thing.. haven't made a complete arse of myself yet???? lol kisses

i made it.. whoo hoo

Hello there my fine friends..
I finally made it with departure being an hour late in New York. They had to cancel the same flight the day before due to bad weather and those people tried to get onto the flight I was on... It all went crazy and at the time of booking you could not make a seat requirement... good thing, cause i ended up with seat 1G.. oh I slept very well ;-)

Finally figured out somewhat how to do the ole youtube thingy... first: don't judge my bad looks.. i just stepped off a plane for cryin' out loud..lol.. second.. it's freakin' cold over here.. third: don't laugh at my accent.. fourth: I can't wait for those damn braces to be taken off.. looks soooo bad seeing myself talk, grrrr .. and fifth: sorry for the sudden ending of the video, but that's all you're gettin' for now until I figure out a better way to cut the video together ..

Anyway.. that's meeeeeee.. yayyyy.. you are in Germany with me.. how cool, eh? Tomorrow is the big surprise birthday party and it promises to be a long night.. Well, my night is your afternoon... so you can watch me at the party tomorrow... tons of kisses.. whoo hoo

Butterflies in My Stomach

Tomorrow is my flight back home and I am starting to feel that little discomfort accompanied with smiles creeping up more and more. I am pretty much packed.. just a few little things here and there that still need to find their place in my suitcase. My last visit was in 2006. Actually, i've been home that year three times. Usually, I take tons of pictures of my trips so that, in age, I won't forget anything. This time, however, shall be different.

Taking you along with me in the form of a video camera puts me on a spot, I guess. I've made it a point to always stay on the surface with you fine people and that's about to change. Perhaps I am going to make a complete arse of myself with this kind of exposure, but perhaps it's worth a try and hopefully to not make an idiot of myself. Who knows what comes of this little video venture... I certainly am curious enough to follow through... but that does not change the question of how crazy I must be to do this.

Thursday, I am walking on to the plane with a stop in New York. After a four hour lay-over, I will step back onto the metal bird and Friday at 9:40 a.m. I will step onto "foreign" soil.. my home city Berlin. I can't wait. First things first, we will be greeted by my mom and my sister and then you will join us for breakfast. The following 12 days are going to be soooo busy. We are going to a surprise birthday party, where I am part of the surprise [which is my reason for going to Berlin in the first place], we will go to a wedding party, a nude spa, I will take you to castles and I have to have a short dance with Michael B in the courtyard, i will take you to parks, to my island where i often found answers to questions in total solitude, I will take you along to at least see some German cuisine.. first stop, an "Imbiss" for a Currywurst... an Imbiss is a street vendor much like you have in New York who prepares hot dogs. Currywurst.. well, you either hate it or love it.. i happen to soooooo love it... you'll probably witness me being quite the pig and putting on (hopefully!!) a lot of pounds, I will drink a beer (i don't really like beer) for Lewis, since he can't be there, I will take you to the "scene" in Berlin where things are hip and happenin'. I will take you on a time travel and hopefully you will enjoy all of it as much as I do.

Well, time for me to get ready for the day... i have one more torture session with my Orthodontist this morning, then off to finish up shopping for my sister... I hope to see you every day right here to share my silly video clips with you ;-) Thanks for coming along... tons of kisses and I'll see you Friday ;-)

Home, Sweet Home

When Americans hear that I am from Berlin, Germany the reactions are quite interesting, to say the least. Eyes are growing bigger, jaws are dropping, and the occasional sound of disbelief accompanies this first reaction. Once they get over that initial shock, the questions start. Questions always seem to date back to Hitler and then the erection of the Berlin Wall. I am old, but not that old. I wasn’t alive for either. And then there are those travel shows or other documentaries telling of Berlin, and every time, it leaves me sad in front of the tv set. Berlin is always portrayed as a cold, ugly, unfriendly place to be. And again, all mostly shown, dates back to Hitler’s reign and the time of the wall. These days, most places they talk about are of locations in East Berlin. However, Berlin is soooo much more; owning a past rich of Kaisers and nobles and pride.

With a city founded in 1237 A.D., there is a lot of history to be seen. I have been climbing over fences -put up for protection (protecting whom or what is actually unclear) - as a little girl sneaking into the ruins of some old castles, playing princess right there, having imagination run wild while walking up and down the stairs that have been walked on by Aristocrats and royalty. And looking up to murals on what used to be an impressive ceiling; mesmerized by the shine of the gold still left within the bomb-struck building; sneaking up to the old Berlin Museum which holds the bust of Nefertiti hostage for over 20 years ; looking at artifacts through the old milky window and capturing the sight of big statues of stone and gold before being chased off by the museum guard; walking along the Berlin Wall, touching this cold concrete structure and hearing shots on the other side, shooting a feeling of unease through the stomach; standing on wooden visitor platforms, that allowed the view over the Berlin Wall, looking at the guard towers of East-German guards and making funny and silly faces at them; being surrounded by buildings that date back to the 1400’s; walking on walk ways that have been hand crafted way back when; looking into a fountain which was built for Frederick the Great ; walking through parks that have been enjoyed by people through the rococo/baroque era ; places reminding of Gothic times; strolling on an island made for a princess by her prince; feeling the influence of Napoleon; touching the remnants of Roman, Greek and French architecture … this is where I grew up, a city they then called West-Berlin in Prussia-Germany.

Opening the wall allowed for even more history to be explored by us, who grew up in West-Berlin. Schloss Sanssouci being one of them, as well as the very area where Berlin has been founded; today, this area is called “the museum island”. Besides this amazing history, there is the food. The smell of fresh baked bread, fresh ground coffee waking you up every single morning. Berlin’s cuisine offers a lot more then sausages and ham hocks, which is more typical for Bavaria. Summertime promises the full enjoyment of cultures in the great outdoors. Berlin is an international metropolis, with Turks, Arabs, Greeks, Italians, Spaniards and many more having found their new home right here in Berlin. It also promises long warm days and short mild nights with a clear night sky. Beer gardens are open everywhere, and with Berlin’s own breweries, the smell of hops entices you to enter and partake in Berlin’s culture. In the winter, the evening air smells of spiced red wine and roasted hot almonds; hot chocolate and Grog available everywhere. Winter promises short cold days and long, even colder nights, but always accompanied by a magnificent display of decorative street lights.

Forgetting politics for just one moment, and open the senses, Berlin is an artistic, romantic, beautiful, mind boggling, crazy and wonderful place to experience. When clearing the mind, all of Berlin’s History and all else it has to offer clearly overshadows any remnants of Hitler. Just close your eyes and let Berlin sway you gently through time.

Virtuality, the real Reality

Tears roll down her face. She has been hurt on numerous occasions before, but this time is really taking its toll on her tolerance to deal. So many questions of what went wrong and there is just no acceptable answer. Friends abandoned her, family once again disappointed; no longer willing to help. The view out of the window is blurry as her tears just won’t stop forming. At times, her body is shaking while she still tastes the salty liquid streaming over her lips. Feeling drained and helpless, calling this life to an end seems quite attractive right now. A glance over to that ole box, wondering if she received an e-mail of positive news. Wiping those tears once more off her cheeks, she turns on the monitor. No such e-mail arrived, but an ad; a message to join a fantastic place. At last, she finds herself entering a new world.

He is no stranger to this community, having spent his lonely nights right here about a year ago. In time he made his free daytime to a new life in a new world that provided him with what he needed to overcome his own pain. A charming and rather good looking, well established man. His words immediately display his sophistication. He enjoys his time in this world and has made quite the impression on many that came across his charm. Something about him that just makes one feel lifted up, perhaps even walking on clouds. It is fascinating and amazing how he just knows the right things to say. What a wonderful man; such a gift to the hurt soul. Tears magically stop to the sight of his words.

She stumbles upon his writing and begins a conversation, while once more getting rid of the tear that just escaped her pretty blue eyes. Gloomy words signal that she is in emotional pain and he immediately knows just what to say. He assures her that he is a fantastic listener and she may use his shoulder to rid herself of her distress. In no time the story is told and comforting words of his are spoken. A little smile forms on her face and she props herself up on this uncomfortable chair. They talk for hours and she forgot how unhappy she was. For a while, she was walking side by side an attractive man who understood her and provided much needed healing. Nothing else seemed to matter, but their stroll through happiness.

Weeks have gone by and she has fully moved into this new world. More friends have been made along the way and she couldn’t be happier. Every day he has showered her with compliments, virtual roses, enticing private messages and he even writes poetry. Words of lovemaking, answered longing, and total pleasure are the words his poems carry true emotions to her heart. Things are great, and there is no reason why she should dwell for even a moment in the past with the man who had broken her heart. Every free moment is spent here, where there are no worries, no hurt and only wonderful people surround her. She receives compliments, wonderful feedback by such loving people and she wears a glow that is typically known of sexual satisfaction. Here is, where she wants to be… here is where she must stay… here is where she belongs… here is where she is loved and wanted… right here is happiness… here she found her perfect world.

The day arrives where a personal message would shake her little paradise like a harsh hurricane; A message that would tell her of the true him. A typical Casanova he is, so the message said. A man who has made many hurt souls his prey. He is a true hunter and very successful indeed. She dismisses the well meant warning as an outburst of jealousy and in a reply she makes it known that she does not appreciate the spreading of such lies. After all, he has promised his true love to her. His heart is beating for her, as he has never met anyone like her who could make him feel this deeply. They are meant for each other. This was not the only warning to come her way. In short weeks to follow, mails of warnings and bitter words flock in and he promises that the ladies are only jealous that he has given his heart to her, instead to them. And so the weeks come and go and she is fully committed to him.

A confirmation reaches her. Devastation fills her, as she learns that all those warnings have indeed been of truth and with a confrontation; he is showing a different, not so charming side of himself. His behavior nothing like that wonderful man she fell in love with. His words of rudeness and shallowness decorate their conversations and in no time, she finds herself broken, beaten and once again in tears. Friends who have warned her are no longer by her side. This pain she feels is much stronger than what she felt a few months ago. Not understanding… and now doubting herself, she keeps confronting him for an explanation, which he is not willing to give. Instead, she is witnessing his charm now spilling onto a new hurt soul.

Family and friends stand in disbelief on this rainy day. Many questions fill each and everyone’s mind; questions of “why” and “how”. Everybody is creating their own answers and nobody dares to asks out loud. Judgmental words take their silent place and some guilt is felt as the shock still sits deep. Wonderful words are spoken, describing a wonderful young lady with so much to look forward to. Some quiet laughter fills the air as a story of her childhood is being told. Once more there is silence as everyone drops a rose with their parting words to a person that no longer is part of REALITY.

Let Me Be Your Master

He introduces himself as a Master, offering an interesting insight to what seems to be a mysterious world. Her interest for this type of human behavior has lingered around for quite some time and thus found herself often online for some research. She is intrigued by his words and the look of his internet page, wondering whether she can find some comfort within this unknown arena. She feels comfortable talking with him, even feels tickled by the way he talks to her, which gives her a feel of stepping into medieval times. He describes some interesting aspects to the point of triggering her curiosity even further. Becoming thirstier with each conversation, she is convinced that this is exactly what she was looking for; one who actually lives as such…a real life object to learn from.

He is telling her of his lifestyle, answering her every question in a very colorful and careful manner. This master even offers suggestions of self discipline exercises as this is one major key in this submissive lifestyle; discipline. She feels a bit silly with some of those, but knows that it needs to be done to get the full feel and understanding for this lifestyle. He then tells her that it is time to stop being naïve and if she truly wants to “belong” there are rules she now needs to obey by. He is telling her in a very loving way, that she needs to make this decision for herself and he will patiently wait, but it is time for her to take his position as a master seriously. He guarantees to gently guide her into and through the world of submission, while he shall remain her true Master.

Being intrigued enough, she feels ready for that change and accepts his wonderful offer. She reads a lot of different material that covers the world of Marquis de Sade and some work by Leopold von Sacher-Masoch. She is taken by the practices of which she reads and is eager to learn more about them. Now that she is genuinely ready and willing, he gives her a set of rules she needs to familiarize herself and from here on in has to oblige. She may question some, but always in the proper manner. With the new terminology learned, she is proud of herself how quickly she has them all memorized. In the upcoming conversation, she shows off what she has studied and he makes sure to praise her well and nothing feels better right now then the acknowledgment by her Master. He pads himself on his shoulder for a job well done before giving her a new assignment.

For weeks she is in constant training by him, this wonderful and gentle Master. She shows what a good submissive she is and he displays his pride of this new trophy well. With every mistake and every corrective punishment, which to outsiders could look quite harsh, and every lesson learned, she falls more and more in love with him. Through him, she has met other submissive ladies and has developed a true sense of belonging. She stumbles upon another Master’s profile in which she reads words that contradict what her Master has taught her. Keeping the rule of properly addressing questions, she is challenging this Master with her own knowledge. Confused, she goes to her master and tells of this encounter. He swiftly puts her into her place and is calling for punishment. She has strayed from her discipline, one aspect, she should never forget. Feeling guilty of what she had done, she takes her assignment that serves as punishment and obliges. Damage control on his part needs to take place and he puts his concentration back into full time disciplining her in a loving way. She feels safe with him and feels no longer the need to question anything any other so called Master may offer, as her master has given her the well meant warning to be cautious as there are many people in this virtual world who only pose as Masters but are not familiar with its true meaning, and are rather here in this virtual world to afflict harm on souls such as herself.

And so the training continues. She has learned a lot and feels very good in claiming the title of a submissive. Even her profile name shows of her status while an introduction informs to whom she belongs. She reached the mental point of not understanding how she could have lived any other way before. Having made herself completely vulnerable to him and having done things in the written word she never dreamed of having done in real before meeting this fantastic Master, she has turned into this new great submissive being, fully trusting her Master. She now completes his assignments well and finds satisfaction in doing so. There are no questions within her anymore and her entire purpose of being is now of a true submissive one. He feels she is ready for the next step. He suggests taking on what is called a “slut and/or slave”. He explains the concept of such and she feels comfortable with it, even to the point of being honored that he wants to do this for and with her. And so a new person is introduced. New sets of rules have to be learned and a new type of assignments given.

It didn’t take long for her to feel jealous in this new environment of not having her Master to herself any longer. And although their play is only in typed words, this discomfort feels so very real and so very deep. Expressing her feelings about the new situation, she soon discovers that this loving Master has lost what seems to be a true devotion just to her and her feelings. This soft spoken, mysterious sounding, oh so loving and concerned Master does not just stay beside her, and her alone. This new awareness opens her attention to what was done right before her blinded eyes. She couldn’t believe what she now is waking up to. Her mind going crazy with all those thoughts of all the things she has done with him, said to him, confided in him. Feeling hurt, ashamed and stupid, realizing that her curiosity has gotten the best of her, she starts feeling the pain slowly creeping through her body and finally reaching her mind. She has given up all that she was, because a man of intrigue caused her to shut off all logical protective behavior. She feels the wounds inflicted upon her opening even more as her mind becomes more and more aware of what she had done. Done with someone she has never met. Done with someone who is now out there, knowing way too much about her. While anger is taking its place now, she feels all the pain that a Mr. Sade only dreamed of inflicting upon his lovers, however, this time, there is no pleasure involved.

Lost Reality?

It is inviting; it is enticing; it is sexual; it is provoking… the door creeks open just a bit, only for a moment, just wide enough to take a peek. Wide enough to hear an unfamiliar sound, inviting you to take the full step in, tickling the ole curiosity. And not long after, the door closes behind, not in front. Here, all is possible. Here, nothing old exists. Here, no judgment is justified. Here, a new persona takes shape. Creating a visual for the populace; one that displays all that one wants to be, all that one might missed to be, perhaps all that one deserves to be. Making it powerful, making it sexual, making it to introduce the first impression without little to no room for a second impression. Setting a playful, sensual, forbidden and excitingly dark scenery, all built by an upcoming personal description, following comments, and perhaps a little story after that, that assures for many to have the heart beating a bit faster, the blood rushing through ones veins… and now, one is guaranteed a loyal audience that surely isn’t going anywhere, and very much blinded by what is being presented. And more are to flock, asking to be just as blinded and a powerful and great feeling is accompanying one, during the time spend in this virtual world.

Here, the grocery bagger is that corporate lawyer, hooking up with the small town hair dresser who now finds herself in a new reality of being a big shot currier woman. The unemployed lady down the street is now the boss of a well run restaurant, which she always dreamed of opening when she was younger, but life really had something else in store for her. He no longer has to feel embarrassed about being that High school teacher that every student hates, but rather be the principle of a highly respectable Private School, where every student is just so well behaved and loving and he enjoys every moment that he is able to visit, perhaps even teach a class or two. The auto mechanic, who, when the lights turn off in the shop, goes home still smelling of patrol and grease. But once home, sitting in that ancient old orange chair, on which the upholstery has taken on a distinctive shape and smell; one more loud and quite disgusting burp before pressing that dirty finger, that still holds black grime in between the skin’s ridges and groves, on the enter-key and the screen flickering back the words “Welcome Mr. Burkhard, Owner of Burkhard and Son Real-estate Group”. Here, the world is great; here, the world is grant and nobody has to know any different.

Our lawyer is telling our currier woman every day countless stories of how he is responsible for the imprisonment of yet another slime-bug trying to get away with cheating society. Showing off his pride with colorful feathers, he has our hair dresser full force falling for him, while she is maintaining the success stories of her everyday business deals to continuously impress him, which our grocery bagger is very much from the first moment he laid eyes on that sexy, half-naked avatar picture. Soon, a private conversation has to be established, because by now, they feel love creeping up, or at the very least, an affair. But whatever it is, let’s not lose the momentum. The restaurant runs better than ever imagined, and soon, a recipe book will be published, with carefully chosen family recipes being revealed, all for the love of the nice customers who made that little dream restaurant a fast success. More and more homes being sold and we couldn’t have a better Real-estate group available to let our housing market flourish. Everyone is impressed with everyone… Everybody loves everybody… the addiction runs its full course and cannot be stopped. Now, let’s just hope that nobody ever finds out that there are grocery baggers, hair dressers, auto mechanics etc… walking along the corridors of this vast opportunistic virtual place.

Nobody shall ever find out that the restaurant is a place our unemployed lady passes by every time when going to pick up the unemployment check. That the real estate group is staged in a big trailer standing on 3 tires; and the fourth corner is held up by some bricks, holding the place leveled. After all, there are real pictures to see of the real places our new personas are so proud of. Those six-pack abs and the perfectly round breasts did their job of first impression and everything thereafter is just that…something thereafter. It feels great when a “supposedly” sexy, red lipped, long legged, high-heel wearing, round-fleshy-perky breasted woman is being a tease with words, the ole auto mechanic wouldn’t hear in his wildest dreams from a woman like that. And here, he might have a real shot at her. “Plastic or paper?” asked with a shy voice and the head bowed down are no longer the only words one speaks to a lady in full sexual bloom. And the not so successful lady with the rather undesirable occupation now has full access to those hunks that used to be only on the TV-screen or in a magazine. When in life, love has been a long departed friend, it is now as lively as ever…and perhaps one doesn’t have to limit oneself to only one person either…after all, the market is vast. One can create numerous personalities on numerous avenues and nobody ever has to know. And if things get a little dicey and too out of hand, the handy delete button is never further then a finger click away.

Here, we can also adapt to feelings that may be known in one’s real life, i.e. love, warmth, jealousy, rage, vicious behavior. But wait, almost all day is spent here, which one is now the real life? Here we have to protect what we rightfully have claimed our own. We’ve got to keep the attention that is now so readily present. And let’s face it, a sexy woman, with lips so luscious, legs so erotically long, passion that melts just everyone’s heart, who could resist, I ask you. A stand-by or two is not so out of the ordinary. Protect the persona is number one in this reality now. We have to stick with the rules of perception. And then, one has to write those dreadful words of departure “Good night, I will see you tomorrow”, before going to bed alone.