Saturday, August 29, 2009
It's dark and raining outside; somewhat reflecting this feeling I feel inside today. In the background, the music of "Across the Universe", a movie that underlines the memories I've made over the past fourteen days. The miles between now and then have been removed for a short moment and old, dust-collecting memories have been cleaned off and brought back to the forefront of my days. What once was old was new again. What was felt a long time ago was present once more. In a way, a certain pain is accompanying me ever since l've left Berlin. An aching that won't stop; A longing that is begging to be satisfied. I know this will all pass with each new day, but for now, I am stuck.
I've gone back to a world where I can connect with people in a very different way. Where I connect with life in a very uncomplicated manner. Where I can let my mind wander and put thoughts into reality without worrying about who I am supposed to be. I can dance on the green, fresh cut lawn in front of Queen Luise's castle, climb fences to walk the path that once was walked by Wilhelm Friedrich IV and don't care what anyone has to say. And while I dance, I lose myself in its history and for a short moment, find myself in another time. When I go back home, it is always nice to see that I have not been forgotten by my friends. My time was always spent with people around me and they always made me feel as if we have not missed a day together. I've traveled quite the distances to see most of my friends, but didn't make it to see them all. However, I've had the pleasure of meeting a certain person again. Someone I've met twenty-five years ago.
It was easy to fall for the situation. It was easy to let myself drift away. It was easy to just let go of all my surroundings once again. We've gone to my favorite place of solitude where I would find answers to all kinds of questions in the past... the docks that lead to Peacock Island.. We laid there and enjoyed all the sounds around us while looking up into the clear night sky. We listened to the noises of the peacocks on the island before us. He has not been here nor there before and so I made arrangements to meet him the next day to take the ferry to the actual island. This piece of real estate greets you with certain arrogance and mystery. It's an acceptable and comfortable arrogance though. One that grabs hold of you and lets you feel that arrogance and the darkness of what once took place here, throughout your entire body. Watching him enjoy the intake of the island's history; walking the halls of a small castle; being a witness to him falling back in time was a wonderful and yet indescribable feeling. I could not get enough of his amazement; he seemed like a little boy discovering new things and I was there to capture and process what he felt. The next day, I took him to a park at an old castle and I watched him closely yet again. I let myself get lost in his enjoyment. I let myself get lost in his emotions, his smile, his wonders. And then it hit me.
Realization knocked and I opened; only to hear what I don't want to know. The day will come where I would have to let go of all that I hold dear about my past. The day will come where I won't be able to just pack my bags and fly home. The day will come where age will have a hold of me and prevent me from being free. This realization is making clear that at some point, I will lose my friends, I will lose my past, I will lose ME. I will lose my time with the Kings of Prussia; I won't dance beside the shadow of a queen, or perhaps of a mistress to a prince. And then, sadly, I won't step foot on my Peacock Island ever again. I don't like this realization, and to be frank, it makes me sick. I spent the last day in Berlin on the royal lawn of Schloss Glienicke with a fantastic view of the lake. Beside me, my object of observation... my wonderful friend who has now come to his own realization I think; he has missed out on so much. And soon, I will be the one missing out. I can't bare the feeling of what may be many years away. I am frightened of something that is nowhere near. Just knowing that it will be my reality one day has me in a constant state of unease and a new kind of pain. This will pass, I know... and it may even sound ridiculous to you. To me, right now, it presents an unwanted kind of emotion; a disliked feeling and certain sadness. This will pass, but for now, I am stuck.
Posted by Liane at 6:11 PM