Saturday, August 29, 2009

And so I am back....

It's dark and raining outside; somewhat reflecting this feeling I feel inside today. In the background, the music of "Across the Universe", a movie that underlines the memories I've made over the past fourteen days. The miles between now and then have been removed for a short moment and old, dust-collecting memories have been cleaned off and brought back to the forefront of my days. What once was old was new again. What was felt a long time ago was present once more. In a way, a certain pain is accompanying me ever since l've left Berlin. An aching that won't stop; A longing that is begging to be satisfied. I know this will all pass with each new day, but for now, I am stuck.

I've gone back to a world where I can connect with people in a very different way. Where I connect with life in a very uncomplicated manner. Where I can let my mind wander and put thoughts into reality without worrying about who I am supposed to be. I can dance on the green, fresh cut lawn in front of Queen Luise's castle, climb fences to walk the path that once was walked by Wilhelm Friedrich IV and don't care what anyone has to say. And while I dance, I lose myself in its history and for a short moment, find myself in another time. When I go back home, it is always nice to see that I have not been forgotten by my friends. My time was always spent with people around me and they always made me feel as if we have not missed a day together. I've traveled quite the distances to see most of my friends, but didn't make it to see them all. However, I've had the pleasure of meeting a certain person again. Someone I've met twenty-five years ago.

It was easy to fall for the situation. It was easy to let myself drift away. It was easy to just let go of all my surroundings once again. We've gone to my favorite place of solitude where I would find answers to all kinds of questions in the past... the docks that lead to Peacock Island.. We laid there and enjoyed all the sounds around us while looking up into the clear night sky. We listened to the noises of the peacocks on the island before us. He has not been here nor there before and so I made arrangements to meet him the next day to take the ferry to the actual island. This piece of real estate greets you with certain arrogance and mystery. It's an acceptable and comfortable arrogance though. One that grabs hold of you and lets you feel that arrogance and the darkness of what once took place here, throughout your entire body. Watching him enjoy the intake of the island's history; walking the halls of a small castle; being a witness to him falling back in time was a wonderful and yet indescribable feeling. I could not get enough of his amazement; he seemed like a little boy discovering new things and I was there to capture and process what he felt. The next day, I took him to a park at an old castle and I watched him closely yet again. I let myself get lost in his enjoyment. I let myself get lost in his emotions, his smile, his wonders. And then it hit me.

Realization knocked and I opened; only to hear what I don't want to know. The day will come where I would have to let go of all that I hold dear about my past. The day will come where I won't be able to just pack my bags and fly home. The day will come where age will have a hold of me and prevent me from being free. This realization is making clear that at some point, I will lose my friends, I will lose my past, I will lose ME. I will lose my time with the Kings of Prussia; I won't dance beside the shadow of a queen, or perhaps of a mistress to a prince. And then, sadly, I won't step foot on my Peacock Island ever again. I don't like this realization, and to be frank, it makes me sick. I spent the last day in Berlin on the royal lawn of Schloss Glienicke with a fantastic view of the lake. Beside me, my object of observation... my wonderful friend who has now come to his own realization I think; he has missed out on so much. And soon, I will be the one missing out. I can't bare the feeling of what may be many years away. I am frightened of something that is nowhere near. Just knowing that it will be my reality one day has me in a constant state of unease and a new kind of pain. This will pass, I know... and it may even sound ridiculous to you. To me, right now, it presents an unwanted kind of emotion; a disliked feeling and certain sadness. This will pass, but for now, I am stuck.


  1. Again, you touch me at a level that no one has ever touched me... you reach down and can conjure feelings and emotions like no one else that I have ever known. You drink so deeply from the pool of life, and it is no wonder that sometimes more than just your thirst is being slaked... Liane, I ached reading what you wrote, and I loved how deeply it is that you feel, and then are able to express it so beautifully.

    I ache with you, I really do. I know all of what you speak, though the experience is different... we all have that fear of something that awaits us in the future. In the meantime, you have the best remedy available, to live each day to its fullest right now, as we never know how many of those we shall get.

    Huge hugs my lovely one, welcome home. Peace be with you upon your return. And no, it is not silly, you are silly in many ways, but also one of the wisest people that I know.

  2. Hugs you so tightly.. i feel your pain Liane .. for if anyone knows that time awaits no one it is me.. and we lose yes.. we lose time as each passes us by.. but in the very moment we find such joy as you have here.. rekindling old flames and the making of new.. each moment we have we make priceless memories.. and those are what we do not lose ever..i have come to look differntly at things, thanks to Michael, smiles. i have come to grasp what i have today, enjoy and cherish each living moment in laughter and love...and grow.. not lose.. grow.. we add to life sweet baby..enjoy those once again new and old memories... i am thrilled you got to go home and find such joy of friends and family. your smile from your heart is the most beautiful...i saw that a few years ago when i first met you. Tight hugs.. just cuz @};--*the rainy one*

  3. hugs
    beautiful read...and understandably are right where you are suppose to be..i couldnt wait to hear from you..smiles we are all there with you..hugs
    lia xx

  4. stuck is not a place you will remain long, if I know anything about you at all. Thank you for sharing with the videos, with your words... with your emotions.... I'd hug you if I could... :) Welcome home Liane.

    Mary (I didn't feel like logging in)... xo

  5. What I say is it's great to see you back - I think what we see on the surface is the same

  6. First of all Liane...welcome home. I feel the feelings that are going through your body...your soul...your mind. I understand you more than you know. I have always loved and waited for all of your express such deep and sincere feelings from the heart. Going home was the ultimate that is etched in your memory...your heart and soul. This was your and dear friends were went back and had the time of your life. Now it's time to be back here in the states...with your family..Lewis and your 2 most beautiful daughters. Maybe you will all return be with these loved ones that wil always have that place in your heart and soul. I am thankful that you made it home...I am very happy that you had such a wonderful time with them. Thank you for sharing the videos with us and bringing a bit of Berlin back to us. I love you....x0x0x00x0

  7. I understand the sorrow you feel leaving home. It's hard to leave the ones you love and who love you, but there are people here who love you too. Maybe not in the same way, but none the less. Welcome home liane......I for one missed you!! xoxo Kevin

  8. Every time I read this I feel something different, but regardless, it's so hard to summarize and fully comprehend the feelings, isn't it? But don't feel as if you shouldn't be feeling a certain way, part of our growth is caught up in making peace with all that hearts and minds encounter. They become part of who we are. You are a treasure... and this will add another layer to who you are. Take care, be well, keep smiling... (by the way, I have an account now) Tom

  9. Nostalgia at its very best! Brava! I relate on some level- everytime I leave home to wander yonder yet knowing, believing that there is just no place like home and home truly is where the heart is....
    WB Liane- you've been missed :)


  10. I cant comment on your latest post - the strange I'll say it here.
    I've read this one and then that one and after reading your comment, I comprehend.
    How did we end up on this boat, this rocky unstable boat with an uneven oar to direct us thru these murky waters?
    What will it take to capture clarity like the lens of a camera? Just what will it take?!
    Your writing, as always, strike a chord deeply...I cant help but sigh.
    I intended to write a lighthearted but steamy fictional I resist. It doesnt feel wholesome...I dont feel wholesome enough.
    ...maybe tomorrow...tomorrow, as they say, is another day.

    On a more pleasant note, its good to have you back woman!

  11. You were stuck, but you always find your way. What interests me, is where this process took you, where are you now, and what does the future hold?


What say you?