Sunday, September 6, 2009

The Strange Seduction

She hasn't felt this confused in a long time, if one could even categories this sensation as confusion.  She hasn't felt this helpless at all.  Something has her mind going, something has hijacked her brain and is doing in her head whatever it wishes.  Her mood is dark, but interestingly enough, always accompanied by a smile;  A strange feeling, really.  She feels happy and sad and these emotions follow each other in seconds.  There is hardly time to breath and catch a new, a different thought.

She knows, it's all chemically induced.  After all, there are books that teach how to seduce.  If seduction would be anything other then a chemical make-up, it would be hard to figure out what triggers this type of series of emotions and many book authors would go hungry.  She tells herself over and over of this fact, but her mind seems to be stubborn this time and persuasion fails.  She knows she has been successfully seduced,  but seduced by what and for what?  If only she would know then she could finally react, but with her mind melted into mush, there was very little to be achieved.  She would even succumb to whatever it is that won't let go of her, but again, she would first have to know what has such a strong hold of her.

One thing she knew for sure, she was in a constant nostalgic state.  Nostalgia that goes way beyond her years and that only added to her confusion.   It wasn't easy to seduce her, but to seduce her without knowing what she feels so drawn to, that was new.  It tore on her. All she could think, when her mind has momentarily let go of other thoughts, to make it stop.  Please make it go away.  Actually, she didn't want it to go away before it revealed itself to her, so that there is no question left behind to which she would never find the answer.  Not knowing and just going away might even be worse then how she feels right now.  And usually, she enjoys the feeling of being seduced;  she could stay in the seduced state of mind for ever.  That purple haze that kept her right on the edge with her emotions and willing to jump off the cliff for the curiosity of what is to come.  Not so this time.  This time she can hear herself scream on the inside with pain.  Pain that has no name or definite description.

She needs to shake up that chemistry set... introduce a new chemical to the mix and hope for the best.  But how?  Nothing around her allows enough distraction; perhaps because she doesn't allow herself to be distracted.  When she is out and about, she puts down the top of the ole Z4 and plays the music that allows her to fall weeks, even years behind the present day.  In that moment, she feels free and beyond happy. One song is being played over and over again as it introduces quite the mind piercing, heart wrenching emotion. Why does she do that?  Why can't she just let the CD run its course?  Why does she have to inflict such emotional out-pour on herself?  Is she actually enjoying how she feels?

For as painful as it is, somehow it is also such a beautiful feeling.  A feeling that makes her feel like a little kid spinning around in the backyard; spinning so hard to make that new summer dress lift up high and then fall onto the ground filled with exhaustion.  She may have gone completely insane with feelings like that.  She knows she has to do something about it; she wants answers; she needs to know.  she also needs this feeling or rather the medley of feelings to ease up; to let her breath.  The question to be answered is, how is that done?  Let's see what today has to offer...


  1. I am feeling this... today... amazing how often we are in the same place, miles away from one another.

  2. wow...

    made me think ...

    again ....



  3. If you were a man they would call it a mid life crisis I suppose, but it's more than that. Perhaps it's a desire for the familiar and the safe, for a time and a history which you associate with greater happiness, greater freedom. It doesn't mean that what you hate what you have now, it's just a yearning for a nostalgic time and place that is part of your make up ... I'm afraid it's a sign of getting old ... er ;)

  4. good morning mary... I think you have an advantage over me though ;-)

    Matt.. make you think, eh? I love it when i can do that ;-) hope all is well, my favorite Brit ;-)

    mr. michael... you know, this is how people lose an eye or something by saying that I am old, you know!!! lol... not sure that this can be categorized as something similar to a mid life crisis. I just don't know....

  5. It's another layer in the adventure that is you. There are no answers, there is time, your thoughts and more time, and then perhaps a decision. There is no hammering this out of your mind, or pushing this to some place in a neat little package to dealt with in the future. This is one of the traps of the terminally curious. One learns to deal with perpetual yearning... it either leads you on, or swallows you whole.

    This is familiar territory - this is my much traveled road. This is where I have lived for quite some time. I wish that I could say something trite or clever to offer encouragement - but let's just say that living in this manner makes life much more acute. Your senses are all exposed, and memories become your best friend, worst enemy, constant companion.

    Huge hugs...

  6. my dearest tom... there is an exit on this road.. i just know it.. there has to be.. right?

  7. and be careful about calling someone your favourite Brit missy

  8. Michael... you are my favorite "something-else".. you know it!!!!!!! is it okay to say that i miss our talks? .. i know it's on me.. but nevertheless, i miss them ;-)

  9. Perhaps the answer will be found at V

  10. My dear Thor.. that's my fear that the answer would only come to be at "V" ~sigh

  11. hope you know that i ill be there for you


What say you?